Friendships rarely end. They cool a degree at a time until nobody notices. Josh on how to feel the water before it's too late.
Ok, let’s do an exercise.
Use your fingers to count how many messaging platforms you have.
Ready?
Go.
I’ll wait.
Great job.
Now, how long would it take to scroll to the bottom of each of those?
Oh boy…
Ok. Super overwhelming.
All of these are people you have, at some point, interacted with.
Strangers, acquaintances, friends, close friends, besties. All bouncing around your digital spaces. Some you keep up with. Some you haven’t responded to. Some haven’t responded to you.
All of this is only semi-real, right? Although it’s great to stay in touch with people with these tools… I have an observation:
We’re doing the real friendship stuff less.
Our messaging, post-commenting, and reaction-giving is diluting the strength of our actual friendships.
Because it’s taking our time and energy away from cultivating the real thing.
And there’s just too much of it. Too many platforms, too many messages we can’t get back to, too many connections that went dead after either of you never responded.
They unfortunately go nowhere. They feel stagnant. Endless lists of frozen connection.
A few years ago, in a dark season of my life, I felt extremely alone. My soul longed for connection, for a friend, for community.
A thought popped into my head, “I should reach out to someone.” So I scrolled through past DM’s looking for a sign of someone that I could ring up.
But anxiety grew in my heart,
“Am I really friends with any of these people?”
“What would I even say, if I did call them? …I can’t call them.”
“What would I even say in a message…. could you be my friend? Can I talk to you? No. Too embarrassing. The last message was 6 months ago.”
Good friendships, like good gardens, do not ‘just happen’ to bear fruit and nourish others.
There are seeds planted and watered, and there are certainly weeds that need to be dealt with.
We can’t expect our efforts on Stardew Valley or Farmville to move an inch of real soil.
Neither should we hope the back and forth of messaging and post-commenting will do the heavy lifting of the connection that friendship needs.
If you drop a frog into hot water, they will jump out immediately.
If you drop a frog in cold water, and turn up the heat to boil, the gradual change over time never alerts them to jump out.
All of a sudden, because there wasn’t a moment of panic, our little frog friend became frog stew.
Friendships in this modern world are in danger of drifting apart, until there doesn’t seem to be a connection anymore. There’s no moment of rift, disagreement, or a decision to not pursue friendship anymore.
It’s just… neglect. Until it’s been a few months, a few years.
Are you still friends? Yes.
It’s just that the friendship garden needs tending to.
Write down the names of a few friends that come to mind. One is okay too.
Plant some new seeds of connection with them!
Water with quality time together, a good question, or a call out of the blue. Grab some gloves and work on your friendship together.
Weed out the stuff that’s been inhibiting deeper connection —Don’t be afraid to get some dirt under your fingernails for the sake of growth.
When you have free time, invest your attention and free time in the real stuff.
As best as you can, make it real-time, face to face. If not possible, audio/video calls are the next best.
If you give someone a ring today, they may even tell you, “It’s good to hear your voice”. Or maybe you’ll tell them.
I love that phrase.
If you invite someone for a walk, a coffee, a grocery run, they may even tell you, “thanks for thinking of me”.
I love that phrase too.
Whatever it ends up being, the frog boil doesn’t get the best of it.
Happy friendship, friends!
I’ll leave you with a few candids of one of the best friendships out there.
— Josh Caliguire